Spiritual High

When you’re standing in self love there is no mistaking that that is in fact, where you are standing.

I’ve been on a journey to learn to love myself for nearly a decade, but the purpose of all of my hard work began to elude me, as I never quite seemed to grasp what self love actually was until most recently. I thought being self loving was all of these small things, things I saw other people doing on the internet, things that were easy to do for myself. And that is self love, we can’t deny that. But until you grasp what self love feels like, you won’t realize how much those small moments of joy do not compare in the least, to the bliss of actually falling in love with yourself. Which, I have to admit, isn’t the same as coating your life in ego (narssissism) and claiming to have done the work to arrive at your destination.

I had lived a life of pain and hurt, and being targeted for more hurt from hurt people. I had grown used to walking on eggshells, completely bypassing some of the most heinous violations against my person and spirit. I didn’t hold anybody responsible for their bad behavior, instead claiming I was largely unaffected by it even. I was coping, which isn’t the same as living. And many, many, many people got away with vulgar actions they never should have.

I recently decided that my pain was at such an all time high, that I couldn’t carry the burden alone anymore. I did the unthinkable, that which our society claims we should never do. We should always be the bigger person, heal in private, and ultimately forgive those who aren’t sorry for their abuse. But I couldn’t anymore. I wasn’t turning the pain that kept coming into enlightenment fast enough anymore. I needed somewhere to put it, to get rid of it, to pass it along, which is never the way of the truly enlightened. Except that is just might be. I decided I would one at a time confront and hold responsible for their violence against me, those still alive to accept their fate, my spiritual revenge.

I wasn’t out to ruin anyone’s life exactly, or to hurt anyone, not really. I just wanted those who deserved to know themselves from my perspective, to have the opportunity to either continue to live in denial or to accept the package of hurt they had given me, back. To use it to get to know themselves, their shadow aspects. I believe people can change, because nobody has changed more than me in in the last decade.

We live in a world that rarely congratulates us for who we authentically are, instead they often try to rain on our parade. I have always been a victim of people who needed someone to be a buffer for them and their world of suffering. I have felt thrown away like a bag of trash almost constantly, again and again. The treatment I have experienced in this lifetime was too much to bear, and I had no choice but to shut down.

I haven’t been a perfect person either. I’m sure I became a toxic associate to many while struggling to find love from within. At first self love to me, was throwing up my middle finger, ranting angrily about the injustices in the world, and telling people to fuck off.  I highly recommend this stage of healing. It may be the most fun you ever have.

As I grow though, and heal the wounds I’ve lived with my entire life, I began to understand that when we truly love ourselves, we forgive ourselves in others. We don’t have to agree with their ways, but we also don’t have to put up with them. It’s a practice, I suppose that will get easier with time. Mr. Roger’s wife spoke of his graceful nature in the realest way when she told a reporter that he chose to practice being understanding of his neighbor every day. It maybe isn’t something that comes natural, because we are all hurt people, bumping into each other and tearing each others wounds open again and again. Until we really can say, we wouldn’t choose to hurt each other either, if we knew how important it is to love ourselves, and to love ourselves in others.

I hold those who have hurt me responsible for hurting me. But I hold myself responsible for growing out of being a match to these types of people. People who will never choose to grow, steadfastly choosing denial of self.  I understand not wanting to see a shadow aspect in what you portray to the world as light, and only light. But as the Diva of Darkness, your shadow is already exposed to me.

What blows my mind the most is how different it is to say, “I love myself”, in comparison to actually feeling that way.

In our society today we hear influencers spreading the word about self love. They have bought into the same worn out idea that I once did. That self love was pretending to be somebody you’re not. Demanding a spotlight be put on your every move, because you are so very important. We seem to have failed to understand that we loved ourselves once, and it looked completely different than being a someone on instagram. I think we often actually fall in love in the quiet of our bedrooms at night, listening to our favorite song, unkempt and not at all who the world would clap to see.

When the daylight arrives, we once again abandon our true selves for some weird high we can only get from being applauded by a stranger, who at the end of the day will abandon us.

The most loyal person in your life, has to be you. It can only be you. You owe yourself the kind of love you’ve sought in places that were never loving at all.

Namaste’

 

 

 

 

Five Feet Apart

Have you seen the movie Five Feet Apart? Haley Lu Richardson and Cole Sprouse both play characters who are living with Cystic Fibrosis. Haley, who I think is the cutest girl (can I look like Haley when I grow up?) plays Stella, a 17 year old girl hellbent on keeping herself healthy enough to one day be the recipient of a lung transplant.  In other words, she’s fighting for her life.

I know we can’t compare apples to oranges, and we shouldn’t compare our struggles to others, because we just never do understand what someone is going through until we too have experienced it. And even then the filter that is our own unique perspective might change the experience enough that we still don’t feel as if we’ve had the same experience as one another.

An invisible illness is a lot like living with Cystic Fibrosis. Obviously, it really isn’t. And if you spoke to someone going through the particular symptoms of the illness, you would see the ignorance in comparing the two. However, I’m going to stick with that, because I want people reading to see that they are in fact, both truly life consuming struggles.

I appear to be a normal, healthy, active, 36 year old woman. I am, but I have an invisible illness. It is not made up. It is not something I can cure just by being positive. And it isn’t something I’ve found out how to “make go away””,  no matter what or how hard I’ve tried. I live with Complex PTSD. Depression. Suicidal thoughts and feelings. If you only knew how many times I’ve planned my own death, without ever actually wanting to die. I have one suicide attempt under my belt, which I am glad I survived.

Sometimes I wish my struggle were respected. I wish people didn’t look at me and ask themselves where my mother went wrong, or where I continue to go wrong. In my wildest fantasies, I wish it were me sitting in that hospital bed with an oxygen hose running through my nostrils. Not because I’m ungrateful, or I truly would give up my physical health (which I realize is a struggle all it’s own that I don’t understand), but because to be seen is one of the greatest gifts we can give to each other. To be seen and validated for our struggles, through our journey, is what makes life worthwhile.

I found a real life version of Stella online. Her name was Claire Wineland. She died a year ago of Cystic Fibrosis. Like the character in the movie, she shared her journey via a vlog on youtube. I honestly can’t watch all of it yet, it just makes me so sad. But I have caught clips here and there when I’m feeling strong enough. She was beautiful, vibrant, and inspirational, despite being sick. Her personality would win anyone over.  Which is what we like to see, even in dying patients on this Earth. A positive attitude. I wonder sometimes if it isn’t more forced than we think, as the dying tend not to burden us anymore than they feel they already have.

I’m going to go ahead and say it, we should stop asking people in pain to smile for the camera. We should stop calling them superheroes for doing it. We can be humane enough to allow them to be whatever they want to be, while they are battling either a visible or invisible illness. It is at this point that we can stop comparing apples to oranges again, because we can be honest enough to admit to ourselves that we don’t always have the same support system. Where one person dies surrounded by love and understanding, and compassion for their suffering. Another is sure to be struggling alone in the darkness of a life that looks better than someone elses.

I am on my own journey into mental health, but it often feels fruitless, until I remember that another day in the life of my boys, as their mother, is good enough some days. I have never known the peacefulness of not having this struggle. I have struggled since I can remember. People have called me strong, and patted me on the back. Specifically in the moments that I pretended to have it all under control. I hate to admit it, but I relate more strongly to Stella than I should, because while healthy physically, I too am fighting for my life.

Be kind. Be supportive. Be compassionate. Be a listener. Be a shoulder to cry on. Believe that the comfort you offer another in the darkness where we all eventually meet, matters. Nothing is more healing than soul deep connection. The world is only a cold place to be until we remember to took our own light back on.

Thank you for reading …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Midlife Crisis

I guess I’m having a midlife crisis? Shit, that was funnier in my head. Writing it feels a little pathetic.

I started wearing a tutu in the year of 2012. This was the year I also began to talk sort of  like a stoned Buddha. I think people were both scared and in awe. A lot of people sort of dumped me. An Awakening is no laughing matter. And now it’s my turn to do the dumping. When a lifestyle, or course of action  is no longer comfortable for you, all the world is really asking you to do is trusty yourself enough to spread your wings.

I sat in a coffee shop feeling lonely today, and I thought of all the things I learned to do solo over the last eight years, which I honestly think is awesome. But I wanted to confront the reason why my life has become so lonely, and I really respected what my answer was. I wanted better friendships, better potential romantic partners, and even better family members to be my support system. And the best part? I absolutely believe that by not accepting any less than what I truly desire out of life, it will find it’s way to me. I believe that with all my heart. My entire little Grinch heart.

The funny thing about falling apart is that it feels both so freeing and incredibly terrifying.  I found out who I really was, and that wasn’t always easy to face. Sometimes it was bittersweet. And other times, it was just bitter like cold, black coffee that had been sitting around on the counter in a half empty mug for days.

I have been pondering a big life change for a very long time, and hoping The Universe would just sort of line one up for me, but it hasn’t worked out that way. You can pray and pray and pray, and the only response you get is more of the same. But sameness can eventually strangle you. So I think maybe whatever it is I’m going to do with my life will just have to be done, without so much hesitation.

I began a conversation with a family friend this afternoon about possibly moving to the state of Washington to see if my life unfolds any better there.  I have long wondered if I’m just no longer a healthy match to my home state, Utah, as nothing much ever seems to come of my trying here. Utah is a great place for athletes and missionaries, and women who don’t mind being “just a mother”, but for others, it can feel like the breath is being squeezed out of you a little at a time, as the years fade into one another.

I think this is how growing up in a small town must feel. You never quite belong anywhere, and it’s not easy to find anyone you relate to.

I have been to Washington State on two separate occasions. I fell in love with it. I never in a million years imagined I could feel another place was my home too. And yet my heart is tugged at again and again in that general direction.

I think I have finally learned the true meaning of the saying , “If it comes, let it come. If it stays, let it stay. If it goes, let it go.” I hold no ill will toward anyone who once appeared in my dream state called life, because I understand that most things run their course eventually. And while it’s easy to look back and know you deserved better, at one point in time that was your joy. The thing that no longer is is the stepping stone to higher ground, to you asking The Universe for more.

I do feel like this is a midlife crisis, because I feel the urgency of time slipping away. I know now that dreams do not have to come true. That soulmates aren’t always end the same destination spot at the same time. And that opportunity isn’t always a gift you are given. Sometimes not once, and definitely not twice.

Bernie Sanders is speaking in Washington State tonight, at the Tacoma Dome. A place I drove past many times on my trips to this beautiful home away from home. I would love to be there listening to Bernie speak about giving people of poverty a real chance to join their fellow peers in achieving success without so much heartache. That is truly a man after my own heart.

I don’t know for sure that leaving my life in Utah behind for a new start is going to be as easy as it sounds, but I know that I can’t sit here for even another year and think that life is just going to get better, when it has been proven to me again and again that maybe I’m just not really home yet.

Honestly, if I could do anything, go anywhere. If there were no limitations on my thinking, and I truly believed in The Universe’s grand plan for me, I’d probably wind up in Hawaii instead.

Real women wear bunny slippers.

I wish we all that opportunity, to live our lives the way we really thought would make us happy. I would never take that for granted. I’d open a bakery that donated the proceeds to those experiencing homelessness. I’d work with needy children, and hurt adults. I’d speak, travel, and write, sharing my story all over the globe.  I’d buy my mom a home. I’d send my brother to the best, top notch, celebrity filled, addiction center in a beautiful location. I’d give my kids everything I never had, and more opportunity than I ever dreamed of as a child.

These dreams are the reason I keep going, though age is setting in, and the possibility of any of them ever coming true, is dwindling away with every day I spend living a life that isn’t true to who I am, because of the life I was born into. I’m voting for Bernie, that freeloader supporter son of a bitch! Life, and success, shouldn’t be so painful to achieve. And nobody should ever be without the help they need, or a home of their own. Yeah, I’m a political person, guys on tinder, we should all be.

For now, let me dance in my pajama’s in my room to my newest favorite song at three am  when I can’t sleep, and believe that that is the best moment life has to offer, because maybe it is and I just don’t know it yet …

Namaste’

 

 

 

Swiping Left

My online dating adventures lasted about as long as I expected it to. The online dating world just isn’t for me. At least,  I’m not completely sold on it yet. I haven’t tried the more serious sites, because I feel like I could probably get my shit together a little more before I invite some truly amazing man into my life …

I installed two apps that work pretty much the same way. You swipe left to signal that you are not interested. And you swipe right to signify that you might like what you see. For the first day on tinder (that was my first install) I was a little overwhelmed. I saw a lot of new faces, some of them very cute. I swiped right on more men that first day then I did the last two days of having tinder, combined.

I apparently was swiped right on over a hundred times within the first twenty minutes of being on tinder, but I wonder if that’s a marketing ploy to get me to purchase a better tinder experience, because you actually have to pay to see who liked your profile. That’s not cool, but tinder probably knows that.

What made me swipe right, you ask? Well, I’m a shallow person, so I totally swiped right on everybody who was at least 6’0. I figured this was my time to ask for what I really wanted. And that nobody would ever see how fucking shallow I really am. I decided that I could swipe right when I actually was inspired to. For me that meant I really liked his appearance, or some quirky words he wrote to describe the last forty years of his existence. I loved the freedom in not actually hurting someones’ feelings because I immediately knew I wasn’t interested in someone. I felt like I didn’t have to “be nice”, and give someone I didn’t like a chance, like I’ve been told for the last 8 years of my single life.

I was weary of those profiles labeling themselves “Athlete’s.” It turns out everybody’s calling card is “Athlete”. I don’t doubt that in a state that offers a great opportunity for athletic pursuits all year around that that is true for the most part, but I also think we glorify being athletic and it is one of the top turn on’s in a partner for many, so we share our outdoorsy photos and call ourselves “Athletes”.

The thing about that is the I’ve only ever been with athletes in my adult life, and I don’t find myself happily compatible with them. They tend to have orange aura’s. and while that is an aura that can easily showcase an exotic appeal in athletic pursuits and a fantasy lifestyle … an orange aura also doesn’t tend to peer deeply beneath their own surface. They aren’t the type to want to have deep, meaningful discussions, like a Spiritual Violet (me). Often, they are even the most selfish people you’ll ever meet, forsaking obligations and responsibility for a short term high only a snowboard can offer.  It’s’ just who they are, maaaannnnn … (throws up a peace sign).

By day three I was over the slow moving nature of any conversation I had. On an app like tinder or Bumble you’re not dating one person you really like, you’re dating five in one night and trying to find something to say to a perfect stranger, that isn’t too intimate, nor too vague. It’s a delicate balance, keeping someone interested, and not coming on too strong. I felt in the end, that because of this natural, and totally awkward, startup, that it was just too slow moving to be any real fun! Also, is it me, or are most men bad at conversation?

I met one man I did end up liking a little bit that second night, but the conversation ended and turned cold as abruptly as it began and heated up. I will never understand what the appeal of making a woman think you like her, and then backing off, is to a man. Is it that whole conquest thing? That’s when I realized … the only person I’ve had any chemistry with in a while is probably talking to five other women while I’m starting to think, “I wonder where this could go.” I unmatched with him immediately to avoid any truly hurt feelings on my end.

And here I am. Day three, freshly uninstalled.

I don’t think it’s not that I”m not ready to date, or fall for a man, it’s that I want it to be more sincere. I want it to be the love story that starts with two people who bumped into one another and chemistry spilled forth, pulling them magnetically toward each other. Or something like that.

Dating online is no different than in real life. You still don’t meet a lot of people you find instantly appealing.  When you do, the conversation usually lags, and if you’re anything like me, being bored is the biggest turn off of them all.

Happy Valentine’s Day, or Single’s Awareness Day.

However you celebrate, be sure to include a lavish gift to your one true and first love, yourself.

Namaste’

 

 

 

 

 

First Born

I did the most random thing recently. Something I never thought I would do. I opened up an account on a dating website. Well, it’s not just a dating website, it’s a site meant to create connections between those who want it. I had the sudden urge to break out of my shell and show myself that the world is a much bigger place than I currently seem to believe it is. With a lot of different types of people in it.

So far I’m pleasantly surprised that I like it, as this really isn’t my kind of thing, you know? It’s a bit like being a kid in a candy store, so many new faces (cute ones) and so much to take in. I’m sure after a few bad experiences (that is inevitable in dating) that will wear off, but right now I’m kind of enjoying it.

I’m not sure I’m seeking a love connection, so much as I just really wanted to break out of this self imposed structured life that I’ve been living. I think it’s fine to be a mother, a cook, a runner, a writer, a cat mother, etc., but I think at the end of the day we all hope we do find a special connection with someone who is just for us.  I have no expectations of this experience other than to show myself that there are a lot of amazing men out there that I might just end up liking. And that have purer intentions than the ones of my past.

I can’t help but be utterly disappointed when I think of my entire history with love and men! My son is at the age where he’s attending all of his high school dances with the cutest girl (his steady girlfriend) and I love that he’s doing that. I didn’t do that. I maybe attended one dance, and that was with friends. I’ve had so little actual romance in my life. No flowers on my birthday,  no date nights, no wedding, no honeymoon. I really sold myself short, and I know that I’m a bit older than my son and his girlfriend, but I’m kind of inspired by their young romance. I think it is a reminder that love can be innocent, and cute, and sudden, and unexpected. And pure.

My son will be fifteen in July. His aunt who hadn’t seen him in a little while stopped by two nights ago and stopped dead in her tracks when she caught the change in his voice. He laughed. I shook my head, like, “I know, make him stop growing, please.” She then had to stand right next to his face to make sure she was really seeing the little mustache coming in on his upper lip. Yeah, I’m not stoked about that as she is …

I caught him playing with legos (rarer all the time) in his room yesterday and I couldn’t help but see him again as his younger self, a chubby faced boy who always had a fiery  personality, and often left me stunned at how smart he is inherently, in his way of thinking. I wish I could go back sometimes, and hold that little boy again. Soak up every moment as if fourteen years later I would be conversing with his girlfriends mother about how we’re both not ready for any of this. I’m thankful she’s who I get to experience these firsts with, by the way. She’s been understanding and protective, and fair throughout every bit of their ups and downs.

I guess I was his age the first time I had my first taste of young love. I always thought I was so mature, but I look at this kids this age where they’ll be driving, and falling in love, and other stuff I’m not ready for, and I think, “God, they are so young!” They just don’t seem old enough to be acting all grown like that. Ya’all are not grown, stop it … let’s build a fort and color in it. That could be a good time, huh?

I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. This is almost as shocking as the time my little sister grew boobs. Why would you go and do that? It’s not easy being the old person …

It’s not that I’m resistant to change. In fact, I laugh at myself, because I see life now from an older perspective and I, like the older folk in my family who tried to offer advice to me at that age, see that there is no need to rush into love, or marriage, or sex, or having babies. But that is what stage of life these young people are in. I did it too. That is life. They are here to experience all that youth has to offer for the first time. Hopefully my loving, stern, guidance will pay off through this phase of life, and we’ll all make it out relatively unscathed.

There will be a lot of first times I’m not emotionally prepared for with my firstborn. I guess that’s the shocking part of thinking you know everything in your thirties. You … don’t. It’s every bit a learning experience as your twenties. I gotta stop thinking I’ve seen it all, heard it all, read it all, and know it all.

Life can surprise you.

You just have to participate.

Namaste’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Rare Unicorn

There is a woman in the medical field making headlines this year (I forget her name, and wouldn’t share it even if I did remember). She’s been dubbed a rare unicorn of sorts, having a quality of genius most do not, called “some bullshit scientific name”. This special one of a kind nurse can actually sense her patients emotions, and even take on their physical suffering. Like … a psychic. But in scientific terms so it’s real and we can all clap now. To think the rest of us experiencing this phenomenon have been using the title of Empath, and often being laughed at for claiming we have “super powers.”

I can not tell you how annoyed I was to hear about this rare unicorn. The scientific community, and skeptics alike, will adamantly deny that you as a sensitive person are having the experience you are having, until now. And now they have given it a name, a scientific one and declared that this is a gift only a rare few have. This woman, and this gift, are hardly rare. I do however believe it exists on a scale. Some of us can feel others emotions so deeply we think their thoughts, as in what we call Telepathy.  That’s not as fun as it sounds …

The first time I realized I was experiencing taking on the physical suffering of someone else was at the very beginning of my journey, when I still questioned my sanity. Those weren’t good times. I literally walked around in a frazzled state of high anxiety, trying desperately to hold my crumbling life as I knew it together. In fact, the trip I’m about to talk about, happened mere weeks before my mock marriage ended in the year 2012.

My then boyfriend and I had been gifted a trip out to Washington State to say our goodbyes to his dad who was dying of Cancer. We stayed in his dad’s trailer with our two small boys, parked outside of his home. We spent most of our time indoors or on outings with family members of his I was just meeting, and that he hadn’t seen in a decade.

It was exhausting to be sure, and every day around noon his sick dad would fall asleep in a chair. I would sit in another chair across from him and mirror his actions. My eyelids would become too heavy to keep open and I’d slump down as if I couldn’t hold myself up. At first I just thought I was abnormally tired due to the trip and taking care of two babies while away from home. But I realized at some point that I wasn’t just tired. I felt sick. I felt an unnatural draining of energy. I felt … like I was dying.  I decided then to avoid grandpa at his nap time. I actually worried that I too might “catch Cancer”, which I realize sounds ignorant, but I wasn’t sure back then how empathy worked. I really wondered if I could grow Cancer inside of my body, which I think was a fair question back then.

There are times when I’ve literally been unable to defend myself against an incoming attack on my person, in one form or another, because before I knew I was that level of sensitive I would wholly take on the attackers energy and in a way go under, pass out, become unconscious to my own wants in the face of their overpowering desires, or entitlement to do whatever they want to me.

I struggle with this level of sensitivity to this day,  because I tend to be surrounded by people who aren’t seeing my potential. Or who in fact, see me in a primarily negative light. Or they see themselves that way, and being near them I literally take on their energy.  I mimic where they are in life, and in today’s society,  that’s for the most part not a good thing. It’s why I try to spend a lot of time alone, to “stay in alignment”.

I can’t imagine being around an energy source that is actually supportive of me, that feels kind and loving. That ACTUALLY feels that way to me, because though many smile, the underlying thoughts and feelings are never hidden from me. You can’t be sensitive in this business. You have to grow thick skin, or be able to understand people so well that their judgments of you don’t sting so much. I sometimes just look at people and roll my eyes, because no matter how often I say it, they don’t seem to believe me when I tell them I can literally feel your energy and I know what you think of me! Assholes …

Like I said before this is hardly something that is a rare phenomenon that billions of years late Science can come along and claim.  The most common spiritual gift is Empathy. And as the world continues to shift and Awaken, there will just be more people experiencing the unbelievable all the time.

I’m so tired of being basically ignored, and then seeing “the right kind of person” get credit for things I’ve done, thought, said, written about, or experienced my entire life.  I get it, I’m not the one people want to hear it from. It’s too weird and I’m too this, or something, but this is my life. Can we try not be insulting?

The end of this rant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

36 Pearls Of Wisdom (Birthday Special!)

In honor of my impending birthday on the February 9th, I feel compelled to share a list of my hard sought and well earned pearls of wisdom with you.

But first, lets’ all take a moment to appreciate the fact that I finally learned how to upload photos to my blog. It’s super simple if you follow my step by step advice. “It’s gonna give you a bitch, click on that motherfucker there,  hit upload, boom, you’re a professional.” See? It doesn’t get easier than that. I’m also great at giving life advice, “man, just tell that motherfucker to fuck himself!”

Who is this masked goddess? #birthdayphotoshootbyme

1. Always make sure the bathroom is stocked with toilet paper before you get too comfortable. (That one’s self explanatory).
2.  Always be in the midst of planning  a party . Plan parties for everything. Make up shit to plan parties for. You can’t kill yourself if you’re always planning a party. Nope, today’s not a good day, I got that fucking party next week.  I’m not missing that!
3. Run so you can eat all the chips and chocolate you want, not for your cardiovascular health, because that’s not motivating.
4. You’re not fat, you’re broad shouldered and naturally curvy, not that fake slim thick shit. You an O’ G!
5. As soon as that potential romantic slave shows the first signs of being an impotent piece of life sucking shit, let his ass go. May save yourself a lot of heartache. Not a damn person alive needs anymore heartache.
6. You can’t save people, but attempting to makes you look good. And that’s kind of all we ever really wanted, right?
7. Swear in sentences that don’t require swearing. It spices life up!
8. Stay active. It’s apparently not necessary to become a lumpy clump of misshapen clay just because you’re aging. Damn J.Lo … now I gotta exercise til’ I’m fifty?!
9. Don’t ever tell a man he has a nice soul. They’re not as impressed with pretty words as you are … never mind, your soul ain’t that nice after all! Don’t worry about it! Runnnnnnn! Keep running!! You little bitch …
10. Plan for a life alone. Not everybody has a soulmate. You can tell this just by taking a realistic look at the people around you. We are not one half of a soul, we are the whole damn thing!
11. You can talk shit if it’s funny. And it’s not technically talking shit if it’s true.
12. The dollar store is all you’ll ever really need for party planning. But it is!
13. There is a God. Sometimes he gets’ busy and only answers if you yell at the sky while walking in public. That’s when  he knows it’s time to speak up …
14. If strangers are looking at you with part fear, part awe, and part disgust, you;’re probably a pretty cool person.
15. Support women! Cheer them on, compliment their whorish outfits, tell them they’re pretty. We are sisters!
16. Andy Baldwin isn’t in love with you. That’s some dude who wants to be Andy. Also, stay up to date on your latest bachelor. You never know when that may come in handy …
17. You can love someone and avoid their toxic vibes in your life. Relatives and long termfriends aren’t automatically given a free pass to walk all over you, or mistreat you, and still be considered VIP.
18. Immature men like immature things! Grown men like things that matter more, like intelligence vrs. beauty. A woman his own age vrs. one twenty years younger.
19. Consider that you may not be the marrying type. You might be too invested in your inner peace for all that drama. Consider a different way of life occasionally, rather than following the pack. Don’t want kids? Great! You’re still a valuable member of society, whatever that means.
20. Appreciate the people you love while they are still alive. It’s strange watching people drop like flies …
21. Be the sunshine in others lives! Sometimes that looks a lot more tortured and awkward than you might think.
22. Don’t starve yourself. Nobody likes a hungry, cranky, bitch. Unless they’re the type all women should avoid like the Coronavirus.
23. Perfect people are often the worst people you will ever meet.  Trust me. No, trust me! I’m looking out for you, man! I wouldn’t do you dirty like that!
24. Know what your own personal idea of success is, because the world will have you injecting silicon in your body, lusting after money you’ll never have, and dating people who can only make strange noises in place of intelligent conversation. Oooh ooooh, ahhhh, ahhhh!
25. Be alone! By god, my people! Spend at least a year or two alone on your journey. Don’t rush into the arms of another villain out of sheer loneliness. Being lonely won’t fucking kill you!
26. Don’t waste time trying to change the minds of those who have already made up their mind about you.
27. Avoid work at all costs. Struggling to find out what you actually want to do vrs. settling into a life of service to a master plan that doesn’t serve you, but keeps others forever thriving? Gee, I don’t know … where’s the line to have my brain removed? Numb me! I”m gonna need to be dead inside for this one, doc!
28. Laugh everyday. Laugh at yourself, laugh at life, laugh at other people behind their backs … laughter is the best medicine. And ultimately when you really aren’t young and beautiful anymore, at least you have laugh lines instead of frown lines.
29. Tell people to fuck off sooner! Tell. Them. To. FUCK OFF.Sooner. You don’t have to say it out loud, but stop fucking with energy that just drags you down! This is your life!
30. Not having a flat stomach, straight teeth, long hair, etc doesn’t make you less beautiful than others. Learn to differentiate between ordinary beauty and extraordinary beauty. The world isn’t impressed by doll faced clones. Marilyn Monroe was one of a kind.
31. Invest in yourself before you invest in a man, or have children. Make sure you never have to stay where you aren’t celebrated, because you set yourself up for success.
32. Remember, everybody has a story, and we all deserve love and respect.
33. A little love goes a long way … it can even save a life.
34. Only follow people who have a strong message or serve up soul food. We’ve already made success incredibly easy to obtain for those who follow the crowd. Let’s give that same opportunity to those who really deserve it …
35. It will all be over someday. Maybe that someday is sooner than you think.
36. You are entitled to feel good. If wearing thigh high faux leather boots and nothing else is what does that for you, than do it private, but you know, do it!

And one to grow on …

37. True success isn’t something that requires you sell your soul. If you’ve done that to get where you are, you’ve already lost the race. And I’m sorry that assholes seem to have it easier than hardworking, authentic, genuine souvenirs of the universe, because they are always watching out for themselves, but you sis, you’re not one of them! Stay woke!!

Thank you for reading.

Kimche (Past Life Memory)

I existed a long time ago, as a little girl who lived in China. The details are confusing, as I’ve never heard of anything like this, but I knew myself to be a warrior. I was being trained to fight, and fighting is what I preferred over anything. I wasn’t a loving child, but nobody worried about that. I could even be said to have been cold and not capable of affection. I don’t think I lived with my birth family, rather I lived in a dwelling where several other people came together to create a community of sorts.

I didn’t know what love was until Kimche was born. He wasn’t mine, and  I know as an American woman in this life, Kimche is a food, not a necessarily a human name, but I swear this is what we called him. An older woman in the community home ( I was about 8 years old in this lifetime), had given birth to a baby boy who to me resembled a monkey. I had never known love until Kimche was born. He and I became very good friends for life, though we lost touch for many years in between our reunion later on as adults.

Kimche grew up to be a handsome soldier, and when we met again we fell in instant love with each other. He was the love of my life. Being that he was a soldier, our reunion was short lived for now, because he had to leave. I was so proud of him as I blew him kisses as he wore his soldier uniform and waved goodbye, along with the other soldiers. I feel as if this all took place on the water, or a huge boat. I can see myself waving from the railing, as the boat parted from the land. At least I think this is what I’m seeing.

I had planned on being with Kimche for life, but I fell into a very bad way of life, trying to support myself. I became a prostitute, selling myself for money to everyone and anyone. I had no self esteem. I thought that once he came back for me, once he knew what I’d been up to, he wouldn’t want me, so I ran away and hid where he would never find me.

I hid for a really long time, until one day we did meet again. We were much older, our hair turning gray. I was no longer a beautiful young woman, growing old without love and companionship. Nobody wants this, but it was okay.  Despite all  of this, Kimche was happy to see me again. I found out that he already knew about my past, and I was ashamed. It didn’t seem to matter to him. The fact that I was no longer beautiful didn’t matter to him either. He still wanted me. We fell into love again almost as instantly as we had the first time, and it was a comforting kind of love.

*This is the second time this past life memory has surfaced for me. I didn’t write it down the first time, but all of the details are boldly the same.

I love this love story, you guys!

Thank you for reading.

Namaste