Soul Workers

If you’re anything like me, you love collecting the best of the best spiritual material. It’s easier to find than it once was, even though you do have to wade through the other shit to get to it. It’s so funny that it’s so rare my heart stops and my soul gasps when I stumble upon some real genuine spiritual gold. I’ve become rather hostile about those who call themselves a “Spiritual Teacher”, because they tend to lose themselves same as anyone, in the strangeness of it all. I think it’s like anything, you have to fight for better spiritual material. The life of a servant to the real message isn’t about conforming, but rebelling in the act of simply knowing that better exists. A better world, a better way, a better teacher …

These are some of my favorite people to follow on social media, or YOUTUBE.

CHRISTOPHER ULMER is the founder of Special Books By Special Kids. I discovered Chris on YOUTUBE very recently, and I feel as if what little I’ve seen of his work has begun the transformation my heart has needed. His channel makes me believe in love, the real deal, not the ego based kind we see so more of than we do the real version.

He started out as a teacher for children with disabilities, and over the years, due to high demand, has expanded on every social media platform, and invited more people with disabilities to be interviewed, to be their own voice for the sake of connection (he even uses that word, I love it).

I swear this man is an Angel walking this Earth. It’s in the genuine humble nature of his work, and the way he looks at all people. He really sees people, through them, deep down to their souls. One might even say, he doesn’t see the human body. He see’s souls. Honestly, watching his work has made me rethink my own perspective, and realize it could use a little more love in it. I highly recommend this pure feel good channel.

He actually reminds me of RICKY MENA, who dresses up to play SPIDERMAN for his non-profit, Heart of A Hero, who I’ve written about, interacted with, and had nothing but positive experiences with. Ricky isn’t doing YOUTUBE or TWITTER yet, that I know of, but he’s easily accessible on facebook and Instagram. His work is the wholesome meal you need among all of those snack pages you find at the tip of a finger’s search.

The thing that stuck with me about Ricky is that if you send him a message, or comment on his page, he makes it a point to reply if and when he can (if it’s warranted). I hate following celebrities. There is this general feeling of being beneath them. They will most likely never take the time to interact with a mere peasant, and even some of the people who are doing Humanitarian work in the world have that same mentality, of actually being someone you should follow, but who likely won’t ever bow to interact with you.

Let me tell you why the interaction part is so important in Humanitarian work. It is the core of why any Humanitarian claims to do what they do. I will never understand why any so called Humanitarian will fly across the world to help starving children, but won’t even make eye contact with the person sitting right in front of them. It sort of defeats the purpose to place yourself on a pedestal in this field.

I can’t promise Ricky will write you back, nor should I, but I am vouching for the fact that he is leading with his heart all the way. Check out his work on Instagram and facebook under his name, Ricky Mena. His foundation also has a page under Heart Of A Hero. If often feels like you can’t do much to change the world, but a donation of even ten dollars can help children fighting for their lives.

Currently I’m obsessed with ASMR videos, in particular soap cutting. This is actually something my kids got me into. They literally know all of the newest and coolest trends. I don’t have a particular station, but ASMR videos are basically meant to soothe the nerves. It’s about taking the time to slow down, and focus on a tiny moment.

I would just YOUTUBE ASMR soap cutting, or Oddly Satisfying videos. Sometimes it’s okay to do nothing, I promise. And for some reason I feel loved when I watch these videos. Somebody is taking the time to do something for people who are generally struggling with things like PTSD, Depression, Anxiety. Awwwww … also, you’ll notice how many people actually are dealing with the same things you are in the comment section. I love the comment section …

ASK A MORTICIAN is my guiltiest pleasure of all! This is a place where your morbid (and normal) curiosity about death is welcome. Questions are answered, and your respect for death will evolve as you learn that it’s not a scary process, but a natural experience that can be quite beautiful on so many levels once the fear is resolved.

Caitlin Doughty is a mortician with a sense of humor, and a respectful tone, who wants to share her experience to help people understand death so that it’s less terrifying, less secretive, and less taboo. I love it because I deal with death on the spiritual level, so I think it’s important to also understand and respect the physical aspect of transitioning out of your body.

I feel that the time has come for many spiritual teachers to emerge, only they may not look the way you think they will. Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus Christ, they were the most well known teachers of all time, but I assure you your next door neighbor has every bit as much spirituality tucked inside themselves, and it’s up to you to be willing to see him that way.

Spiritual Teachers, I’m learning as I go, don’t tend to actually represent themselves that way anymore. They just exist, tied deeply to their core, listening to their own heartbeat, and delivering the message that feels good to them.

The ones calling themselves spiritual teacher might be better avoided right now, as the ego is as high in the Spiritual field as it is anywhere. People who actually call themselves spiritual teachers tend to need to transcend, and you guessed it, place themselves above others, which is a message I’ll never help spread.

I think we all need people we can look to outside of ourselves, who remind us that God is closer than we think. These are some of mine. I hope you reach out to give them a look, and discover if their soul work is beneficial for you as well.

Namaste

A Universal Push

Approximately three years ago now, maybe two, I had a very unusual experience with feeling pushed, or pulled, by an invisible force. I’ve had that experience a handful of times since, and others that are equally as mind expanding. I can’t forget the time a male I didn’t want touching me kept grabbing me, only to stop suddenly, gasp and say, “it felt a hand just pushed me away!” I just giggled, because I knew exactly what had happened, but how do you explain the extraordinary to someone who can’t or won’t join you in the realm of all possibility? I stopped trying years ago.

On this particular occasion I was walking to a coffee shop I frequent on foot a lot. It was frosty out, snow and ice blanketed the grass and sidewalk. I can get to this location from taking two different paths, and it varies every time I walk. This time I had decided beforehand on the route I would take, as it was the scenic route. As I approached the intersection of where I normally have to make the decision of which way I’ll go, I stopped suddenly, frozen in place. Something felt off. Very off.

I started walking again toward the path I had chosen beforehand, when I felt a strong push to turn back. It literally felt like being pushed by a force bigger and stronger than me. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, or why I was suddenly feeling like I needed to take the other path instead, but I eventually caved and headed down a sidewalk that cuts through a middle school. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going on, somewhere.

I walked about thirty feet when I noticed a woman lying on the ground, her hair covering her face, shivering. She must have been there overnight. I immediately started talking to her, trying to see if she was okay, or if I needed to call for help. She was clearly not in a good mental state. I didn’t know if she had partied the night before and ended up there, but I felt a strong sense of apathy and Depression in her. Like she had just sort of given up and didn’t care what happened to her. She sat up, and asked me to call her mother for her, which I did. I asked her if she was hungry, or wanted a cup of coffee. There was a McDonald’s next door to the school, and it took me five minutes to run and grab some food and a hot beverage.

Her mother showed up beside herself, with plans to immediately take her to the emergency room to have have evaluated. As the young woman (she must have been in her early twenties) was helped into the waiting truck by her step father, her mom explained to me a little about what her daughter was going through. She’d been out of control, and into hard drugs, ever since she’d had her heart broken by the father of her little girl. She thanked me over and over again, and asked me what made me turn down that hidden little walkway? I said, “I just felt pulled in that direction.” She stared at me in disbelief and thanked me again.

When I had been speaking to the girl herself earlier I had startled her with my unedited response to her suffering. I said something along the lines of, “like it’s a good fucking time here?” I could feel a spark ignite in her energy, and the connection she felt in that moment. Even if my words didn’t add up to her logical mind, she grasped onto the warmth I had offered her in that moment by not pretending to be above her, but by confirming that being human can be so very painful for us all at times.

I hope she had healed the wounds left in her heart by broken men. There are so many of us, passing on the torch of heartbreak again and again. I know every woman on this planet knows what it’s like to be tossed aside by someone they love. And I know that we rarely find the love we seek in our youth, but rather once we’ve met ourselves fully, can we manifest that.

I hope wherever she is, she’s found some comfort here.

Thanks for listening, namaste.

You’re Fired!

The season has ended. Happy Holiday’s from yours truly. I’m just kidding, but my seasonal job hit an abrupt halt, and here I am writing this blog post during my normal working hours. Don’t act like you didn’t see this coming … first question, why am I not compatible with like, anyone? Second question, why do those in charge tend toward traits that make being employed generally miserable for people? And third question, when do I give up on playing normal and just pursue my real goals?

Though I still love the HR management, and tried my best to enjoy the job I was doing, it wasn’t fun work. It’s the kind of work that slowly drives one mad. And when it’s unappreciated, when you’re tired, sore, and missing out on your real life to be there, well, it’s miserable. Everything else was fine. I knew what I signed up for, but one of my main managers and I just weren’t compatible. By that, I mean, I think I drove him a little crazy. And his constant micro managing, really brought down my vibes. I was quite proud of my work there. I’m a hard worker, a fast worker, and generally really easy to be around. I was even proud that I could be of help during their busiest time of year. I was like, you can thank me later.

It started to feel like this manager painted a target on my back. In other words, he was doing his job, and I get that, but it became uncomfortable to be in his ever watchful and critical eye. He’s probably a pretty chill person when he’s skiing, but my experience with him wasn’t a good one in the end. I would bounce into work, sometimes early (even that was frowned upon. I could not do anything right by this manager), in a great mood, ready to work hard, and by noon he would have approached me to basically inform me that I sort of sucked at my job. This does nothing for my work ethic. I don’t work harder under the intense scrutiny of managers who show no real enthusiasm for what I am doing right.

Let’s be honest though, most people who truly loved themselves would never work under another person again. I think that answers my first question. I think I’m at a point in my life where if it doesn’t feel good on a soul level, it won’t last long. I mean, to be so talented and so gifted, and to do nothing with that, is a crime against humanity. When am I going to stop torturing myself by dimming my light down?

Today was when it all came to a glittering end. He approached me once again, about some minor infraction, while I was busy working hard. Then stood there lecturing me for a few minutes while my sensitive ass tried not to burst into tears. I said, “I thought I was helping. I really wanted to do a good job.” It was awkward for sure. I hadn’t intended on seeing him, and hearing his angry words about how lousy of an employee I am (that’s how it felt. I’m allowing it.), AGAIN. I thought I was on target, maybe above (I’m generally above average), but I was wrong?

I stood there after he left for a solid minute digesting all that he said. Asking myself to choose a different way this time, to perhaps see it from a more mature perspective than the ego would choose for me in the past, and then my body started walking away. Down the stairs. To the computer to return my tool. To the clock in screen. Past the guards. To my locker. And out the door into the frostbitten winter air. Freedom.

I actually felt a physical push in my body to leave. I sort of asked my guides what they were doing, because my mind and heart was saying “stay until the end of season”, but my body would not stop propelling it’s self forward. It was unreal. I’ve only ever felt that kind of ‘being moved’ feeling a few precious times in my life. And guess what my arrogant ass is thinking the whole time? I hear dead people for god’s sake! Do you know what I’m actually capable of? Do you know who the fuck I am?! (I’m kidding).

People are disappointed this is the second job I’ve quit this year. They say “that’s just how it is.” I don’t buy that. I don’t think it has to be. I don’t think we should accept less than what we want. I think that’s the problem. Feeling like shit is normal to most of us, and we must accept our doomed fate. Awakening has pushed me out of that comfort zone, which makes my life a little bit difficult at the moment. I will keep searching for better, and one day, I’ll have found what really works for me. I refuse to settle for unhappily ever after, because I’m afraid. Or because it’s expected of me to humble myself before a master.

I’m not mad at anyone. The manager was just doing his job the way he was taught to do it. Me though? I’m on the self love tidal wave, and this is my life, so there is no more ass kissing going on here. I’m too old and too tired to live that life anymore. Frankly, you all seem tired of it too. Am I wrong to at least think I might be the one who gets to live their dream life?

My journey continues, so just be supportive of me as it does. That’s the same thing I asked of my family today, let me grown into who I authentically am, and just be supportive. It may take me a while to find my place in the world, but I really have just begun to seek for it, so give me time.

Thank you.

Special note: I said I’ve felt the feeling of being moved by an energetic force before. I think I’ll share that story soon. Come back for it. It’s kind of special.

Crystal Children

To be honest, if I could go back in time, I might consider not having children at all.

This isn’t due to an unsatisfactory experience, but rather to a logical mindset that I’ve developed in more recent years. I look around and see a place of destruction and misplaced values, of which I wouldn’t wish to share with any soul. For me, this place, is too painful to desire to bring more children into my experience. I am done with my childbearing days, and I’ll likely make that official the next time I visit the doctors office.

I am a huge supporter of women who are deciding not to bear children, and of couples who live a better and easier lifestyle due to putting themselves first, choosing to foster their own inner children, rather than to birth more people. I really feel that the world is overpopulated. The problem with overpopulation, and due to greed in the upper class communities, is that starvation exists. But not just the kind that ravages a physical body, the kind that leaves a soul malnourished as well.

We grew up hearing that we could create whatever life we wanted. That it was up to us to succeed, to become who we really are, and to reap the benefits. I resent this teaching being taught to the poverty stricken community, because as life unfolds, we find out that that isn’t true for us. And the answer isn’t as simple as wanting it to be so, or it would be.

There are always going to be those who truly thrive in the world, those born into a kingdom of opportunity, which also means there will be those doomed to fail, generation after generation. Sure, once in a while a success story blooms from the cracks in the concrete somewhere in the projects, but it is hardly a winners attitude that guarantee’s that will occur. If that were the case, nobody would be poor. Nobody would be forgotten. Nobody would be unloved.

It’s not that I believe in telling people they can’t succeed, as the message of apathy isn’t one I support either, but I find realism and realistic teachings to be more connecting, which is more beneficial than a spiritual based meme circulating on facebook with a million likes for a generic message that doesn’t do shit for anybody, but give them a temporary high.

My kids started a chain of bad jokes this morning mimicking something they had seen online, “why don’t the homeless just get a house?” The context of this joke must be understood in order to get the joke, which is actually in defense of the homeless. We laid out scenario after scenario about why can’t (someone in a dire situation) just … ? It shows me that my children aren’t the problem in the world. They are the solution. Their knowledge of right or wrong is based in their inherent spiritual core, of which they haven’t been robbed of yet. If my kids can understand it, why can’t adults?

Donald Trump Jr. recently posted and erased a photo of his daughter and her Halloween candy after trick or treating, and quoted it with some nasty remark about giving half of her candy to someone who didn’t trick or treat, as in socialism. I can’t for the life of me understand why someone who eats well every night has a problem with feeding those who don’t. And how a mindset can be so filled with hatred that one can not consider that the other child receiving his hardworking daughter’s candy might be a child who can’t walk, or whose parents weren’t available to take them trick or treating, or a child with cancer who couldn’t leave his bed. And from I what I know about the hearts of children before they are destroyed by wayward parenting, is that his daughter most likely would gladly share her candy if it were up to her. Children aren’t born hateful.

For every person who isn’t working and wants snap benefits, is a man or woman who spends most their time away from the home, pulls late nights, goes without, and still can’t afford their child’s basic needs being met, who has to put up with the nauseating and privileged ideas people who have no idea what an actual struggle is like, feel so obligated to talk about. This total lack of education is mind blowing to me.

I pretend when the Government takes my money out of my check every two weeks that it’s going to help a fellow human being pay for a child’s meal, and I don’t miss that little amount of money. If someone wants to argue about that, all they have to is pretend that the money being taken from them is going to an elite club, or sidewalk, that only white people can use. It has to go somewhere, use your imagination.

Taking this argument a little deeper, is that we totally want to dismiss the fact that a lot of people who aren’t thriving, are those struggling with a mental illness they can’t afford to get help for. The junkie on the street is my brother. The poor man’s rehab is a jail cell. We want the sick to cure themselves and not whine about having to do that, which is about as intolerant as you can get before you legally qualify as stupid.

The fact that we have to keep saying any of this, is why we will keep saying it. Why we will teach our children what real love looks like. This world belongs to all of us, and there are people on this planet already changing what they can’t tolerate about it. I hope that my journey takes me down that path as well. There is a saying that goes something like this, the time for change is always now.

The time for change is upon us, and I guess though I wouldn’t ask my children to be here if I could go back in time, they chose to be.

We choose the lives that will create the most change. We choose them before we’re born, before we’re brainwashed by human conditions.

And if we’re that powerful we have nothing to fear … right?

OK, Boomer

Ok, Boomer! This statement has recently become an internet sensation. Don’t ask me why, I just report the news. It’s always odd to me what becomes popular, but so long as Milliniel’s are in charge I’ll probably never cease to be shocked. I think the aging process is kicking in, because I resent this snotty statement as much as I’m sure an actual Boomer would. And it makes me realize how obnoxious blatant ignorance in the younger generations really can be.

I got into a little bit of an online argument with the woman who filmed Kidz Bop Karen, because from my point of view I thought it was classless of her to film this woman who had been triggered into a meltdown over the safety of her kids, and then post it online, potentially damaging her life and career. To me it’s like dragging the woman (who was wrong for her part, but as a mother I understand) into the middle of the road to be stoned to death by strangers who get to judge her, rather than leaving it in the hands of a higher power, which isn’t fair.

Furthermore I think her taking the opportunity to post a video like this, takes away from the importance of the issue of the racially motivated clips people post in the wake of Trump’s presidency. Like, the two don’t compare. An upset mother who behaved poorly about bad driving, versus black people putting up with white people in public who simply don’t like their skin color, is not exactly the same thing. And as a Milliniel, I am deeply fucking offended by that.

Anyway, because I dared to disagree with this woman I was “Ok, Boomer”ed by a handful of her followers, including someone named Avocado Toast. It makes me sad that these are my people. And it really did make me realize how silly the whole argument is between the age groups. Especially if it’s not even an argument and it’s just a lazy insult. I think it’s time to grow up, fellow Millinniel’s. I think in the end it wont’ be one side getting their way that creates the world we want, it will be a meeting of the minds. It’ll be closing that gap that this presidency has created. It’ll be getting beyond politics, and reaching for an ideal higher than “Democratic” or “Republican”.

I understand, at this point, needing to take a side and wanting to serve that side, because the insult of the other party really is that upsetting. I’m not ready to say I’m completely in a place of peace with the Republican party, but I am ready to consider that we are better than the way we are treating each other right now.

It’s hard to let go of your idea of what is right and what is wrong, and I think often it’s tied to experience. Had the woman who filmed Kidz Bop Karen had children of her own, she might have had compassion for a mother who was clearly pushed beyond her comfort level. I am a mother, and guess what, we don’t always keep it together, especially when our kids lives are potentially threatened. We shouldn’t have to live in world that is judged so harshly that we need to ruin someones life over a human moment. Put your video camera away slowly …

There are other men (than the ones I’ve written about) who have hurt me that I’ll never write about. My intention is never to ruin anyone’s life. My intention is to honor my own healing process by expressing what has been done to me, and then releasing it. The men I will never write about are men who are truly, deeply, and genuinely sorry for the actions they’ve taken against me. An apology can go a long way. A little compassion for your role in someone elses pain can change the entire conversation. And we need more of that right now, not less.

We need to stop filming people at their worst and pretending we’ve never gone there ourselves. We have, the difference is a Millinniel didn’t film it and post it online, hoping it would ruin us for having a bad day. When I look at most people in situations where there is a standoff, if I’m far enough away from it, I can see clearly how both parties are compatible. Like, outraged mother behaving poorly meet snotty, judgmental woman with a video camera, and no compassion. I see two people behaving poorly, and both can do better than that. Both should consider behaving better for the betterment of mankind.

I’m not flawless when it comes to this philosophy. Being human is hard. The ego can take over for a few minutes and ruin the progress you’ve made in your spiritual journey. It’s hard not to get nasty sometimes. And yet, I know nothing good will come of that. I hope to do better myself in the future. To be more understanding, and less self righteous. We are all in this together. However, I do think to do that, if nowhere else but in the privacy of your heart and soul, you have to go those nasty places first. That’s how you actually release the toxins in your system. We need to find it in ourselves to be empowered enough to do both, the human thing and the transcendent thing.

Milliniel’s, listen to what the Boomers are saying. They might know a thing or two. They have been around longer than you. Boomer’s, open up your mind and try to see that the world is changing and maybe that’s okay too.

To my antagonistic friend with the video camera and a desire to be in the spotlight for any reason at all, who taught me this lesson, thank you. I hope when the tables are turned one day, and they will be, because they always are at some point, someone shows you more compassion than you showed that mother that day, who was likely scared and in need of a good hug, more than she needed to be publicly shamed for that small error in her career of being a human being.

Namaste’, fuck you, but I love your soul.

Celibacy

When we think of the topic of celibacy, often we mistake it to mean only “abstaining from sex.” Celibacy though, actually can also apply, and in it’s true meaning, to voluntarily staying single and sex free. I’ve toyed with the idea of being celibate before (and attempted to practice it), but I have finally decided that a life of celibacy might just be something that is true to who I am.

Let me start with the boundary reasons I would choose a life of both celibacy concerning both sex and relationships. I’ve never felt I had a say in either really, as I never was taught to create and incorporate any boundaries into my relationships. And when you don’t have boundaries … it’s a recipe for disaster. I also grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah, where a woman becoming a mother and dedicating her life to serving a patriarch is incredibly common. The mentality overall in our society seems to be that being a lover, a mother, and a wife, are way more important than just being a woman.

I do have a traumatic past with men, so I’m sure I’ll hear a lot of comments about this being a result of that when it comes up in conversation. And in some ways I’m sure it’s true. I would love a peaceful life that didn’t involve any risk of abuse from men in it. Since I know what my core wounds are and what type of person I tend to attract to me, this does add to my reasoning to want to be single for life. Wouldn’t you want to be?

I don’t connect to the idea of romance like my peers do. They seem to need it as much as they need the air they breathe. I was once like that myself. It’s a very painful thing to sit on your couch hoping love will storm into your life and save you. It’s also insanely common for people to do when they don’t feel empowered. I’ve never understood people, in particular, who bounce from relationship to relationship. I find it hard enough to find someone I can tolerate for more than a week, how are people “falling in love” every other year?

The answer is they aren’t. This is called Attachment, and I can’t help but see most relationships this way. I don’t find this romantic. I don’t find this seductive enough to ever be a part of again. I don’t understand how we do that to ourselves again and again, and actually call that foul feeling thing, love. From an outside perspective it’s not the least bit appealing, and if I can avoid that type of relationship for life I’m going to do that. Since most people are still pretty un-evolved, and our idea of the perfect relationship is still wildly immature, I see no need to be any part of it.

This is the most human reason of all, but I find that it’s still valid, since this is a human experience I’m having. I just don’t want to deal with any of it. God, sex and relationships are so time consuming. They require so much of your energy, and most of the time that’s not a good thing. For women there is an added element of being sexually desirable to a man, which I’d just rather never have to even think about again. What a petty way to have to live your life. What a shallow society we’ve created for women.

I think it sounds so zen to avoid the everyday drama around relationships and sex. STD’s, unplanned pregnancies, men who shame you after they’ve had sex with you, men who aren’t good fathers, or even present fathers. Men who want to share your personal experience to embarrass you. Men who don’t respect boundaries, and last but not least, men who have no boundaries themselves (these are the type of men who say things like, “hey, she was 18”. Let’s face it, this decision hasn’t come about because men are actually predominantly respectful of women. They truly don’t get what women want yet.

How do I know this decision is wise at my age? How do I know it’s the right thing for me? After finally making it, I felt renewed, at peace, and totally fine with all of the sacrifices I will be making. I don’t think I’ll miss any of it. I’ve had the experience of being in love. I’ve had the experience of giving birth. I’ve had the experience of “being married.” I’ve known lust, and desire, and the power of seduction. And I think it’s overrated.

I know there are people who will argue with me over whether or not this lifestyle is achievable, or even healthy, but I think I’ve always been different. I think a lot of what we chase in life is what we were told would make us happy, and it rarely does.

I look forward to not seeking love outside of myself, and not dealing with the repercussions of that while the spiritual evolution of most men isn’t up to date as far as my spiritual core is concerned. I look very much forward to the relationship I’ll form with myself and the world, and getting to know the depths of my own soul. And what one person can do for the planet, on their journey, with one life.

This has been such a journey to get here, and I like here, because it is just me. I finally understand how perfect and whole that really is.

Namaste

Stalker

Stalker; 1. A person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive attention. 2. A person who hunts game stealthily.

I wish I could go back in time and never accept his friend request, save myself the embarrassment of having fallen for his “poor soldier” routine. I wish I had paid attention to, and honored, my real feelings on his profile from the beginning, never having spent months of my life entertaining a low life who would actually pose as someone they’re not. When I tell people about him, nobody can believe someone has it in them to keep up a charade, or the time and energy to be someone they’re not.

I think we’re all surprised because in our world, in our lives, we have a hard enough time being ourselves and running our real lives.

The latest has him (or one of his clan) posing as my cousin. The wrongest motherfucking cousin he really could have picked. Like, if you were going to pick one person on this Earth to mess with, it wouldn’t be him, you know? Oh my god, it’s classic.

Most of the people I speak to say they would flip the script and create fake profiles to play with him, but that’s not my style. I think it would be epic, and I hope someone does, but me? I have a life sir. I have three children, a job, a home to keep up, my running and weight lifting, my writing, my spiritual company to create and release upon this world. I’m a real person with a real life. The last thing I want is to be online anymore than I already am, with being an avid instagrammer and blogger, you know? In fact, I am veering heartily toward real life more and more these days, as there is nothing like face to face human connection. A social media account hardly compares.

If I had to sympathize with my stalker, and I really do, I would say this to him, I’m sorry you are in pain. I know it’s easy to see someones life from the outside in and think they are actually doing better than you. I know when you’re hungry and the world seems like it has forgotten about you, it’s easy to become bitter and simply not care who you are hurting. I know you must feel like somebody somewhere owes you something for your pain and suffering, but they do not. It is up to you to create a life you don’t need to escape from, whether you’re using drugs and alcohol to do that, or you’re constantly pretending to be someone else to scam unsuspecting victims in one way or another.

My life is nowhere near perfect. I spent most of my summer scrounging up food to eat. Most days that was white rice and cheese. I too have been lost in an idea that I couldn’t create a better life, stuck in my mental illness woes, and hurting so deeply that I thought even taking one step out of the darkness was too much to ask of me. My life situation is very uncomfortable. I’m not chilling in a third world country, but I’m poor in America. Same thing really. It’s the same struggle, but in a different place, you know?

I’ve had to change my name several times to avoid you. I’ve had to shut down social media account after social media account. I’ve had to start over again and again a lot lately. I’ve had to apologize to family members for you stealing their identities. I’ve had to stop living my life so freely and carelessly, and I resent you for that. I’m being punished for accepting a friend request?

I’m just a woman who thought I met a cute guy, who hoped that finally my good in life was here. I don’t know how you mess with someones life like that, but that’s the difference between you and me. And if that’s the only consolation I have is that the bullies of this world are lacking in the integrity I know in my heart will lead me to better, to be better, to create better for the entire planet, then that’s a beautiful thing and I accept that.

I will be in Africa someday. I will be in your hood, and I won’t be alone. And perhaps I will run into you in person, and you know what you’ll look like to me? A scared little kid who’s only power was hiding behind a mask and a keyboard.

No matter what they do to me, I survive. Not only that, I thrive. I’m bulletproof. I know this life is but a blip on the radar, and the things that make other people question their ability to survive is what pushes me deeper into the meaning of my own life, and what I can do with the darkest aspects of myself and my experiences.

I see that sliver of light shining through the pitch black night and I cling to it, because I know it’s the way out.

Namaste’

Deserve

Thank you, that’s exactly what I wanted. How often do we get to utter those words minus the sarcasm? It doesn’t seem like it’s something most of us experience very often, getting exactly what we want. I liken my journey with learning to create and manifest what I want to being in a restaurant ordering food. Sometimes it feels like the waiter brings me plate after plate of noodle dishes, but all I wanted was spaghetti. And he insists, “ma’am, it’s like spaghetti. Try it, I’m sure you’ll like it.” In my imaginings where all the dark shit goes down, I stand up, hit the plate of food out of his hands. It goes flying. I stare into his eyes from half an inch away, and say quietly, eerily, “I ordered spaghetti.”

The society we live in attaches so much pain to everything. It teaches us that we can have what we want, but we must be willing to suffer for it. Suffering is so beautiful. We are quite fond of it. Religious figures even believed in suffering to such an extent that they wouldn’t medicate people who needed it, because it brought them “closer to God.” Ahem, Mother Teresa, ahem. We humble ourselves in the name of God, asking for so little, so that in the afterlife we may eat and drink like Royalty. Yes, suffering is a noble way to live a life, we thinks.

Trump and his followers are quite hellbent on increasing the suffering on the planet, in particular for those who already struggle the most! They can’t fathom that perhaps the lives they have lived has been somewhat more abundant with opportunity than others, that nobody is stealing from them, but rather trying to use all opportunities available to them so that they might experience a sliver of what the rich and entitled expect to receive. They say we are so entitled, but I don’t know how to feel ashamed of trying to get ahead, and ultimately create a dream life.

Anyway, the point I really came to make before my inner preacher started talking shit again, is that this Christmas I plan on making dreams come true. In particular for my children. Sure, they always have a Christmas, but a lot of times they sort of take what we can afford to give to them. They are always grateful and spoiled kids aren’t on my list of priorities, but it occurs to me again and again, that there is a difference between getting any old thing and getting exactly what you want. I think it goes deeper than want and greed, I think it reaches all the way deep down to your soul and reminds you, “you’re worth it.”

That’s the theme behind my up and coming non-profit actually, you DESERVE good. People have argued with me that starving people will eat others expired food, but I have a dream of owning a food bank someday. In my dark place again, I imagine that when people bring in the food they wouldn’t even feed their dogs,I grab my rifle, take it out back, and shoot each can of bullshit until it explodes all over the walls. And then I laugh my evil Joker laughter … maybe we’ll call my dark place Gotham. I never was able to actually thank people for their expired food. That shit went right in the trash. That was mom’s idea. The lady knew hard times. Thanks mom, for having a solid ass core that taught me that no matter how the world treated us, we deserved better than that.

I can’t support the idea of a society that believes that certain people should have exactly what they want, while others have to beat an obstacle course to get even a taste of that. I know what I do here can’t change people who don’t see a problem with this line of thinking. I also know that if I don’t do something real with my life while I’m here, I have wasted thirty five years of training. It is time to focus on my bigger goals too.

I hope, sincerely, that you get exactly what you want this holiday season, you greedy bastards.

Namaste

Ugly Doll

In the voice of Jenna Marbles, If you’re one ugly motherfucker like me … you may relate to this blog post. I’ve fought with myself all week about this blog post. I thought, Alisha, you have better subjects to write about. I thought we were over this topic. We’ve discussed it to death. Apparently though, this core wound runs as deeply in my being as any of the others’, though a bit more embarrassing at my age to still be so concerned with. And yet, really, it’s not my fault. We literally live in a society that awards great beauty in women. And shoves it in our faces as something we should aspire to possess ourselves, no matter the cost.

A typical day has me waking up, looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and sighing, so this is it then? This is my natural beauty, only it gets less obvious where the beauty is every year. Thank God for makeup. I start my makeup routine and cringe at how much more foundation I’m using all the time to maintain that somewhat youthful look. It’s hard to focus on what I like about myself, because my pop in gray hairs are always glaring back at me. How many times a year will I dye these cunts?

My body isn’t off limits either, because every single day, sometimes several times a day, I think to myself, “if I could only afford that mini tummy tuck, or breast lift.” For the most part I’m athletic and my body is fine, even though it’s not thin. I can handle curves, but I am sore about the changes my body went through when I had children. No amount of exercise changes that which was “ruined” by pregnancy and breastfeeding. And it hurts my very soul that it doesn’t, because I work so hard while others are enjoying being lazy and still remaining flat in the belly. Fuck them.

The reason this topic embarrasses me is because I’m hitting middle age, and I know beauty resides within. I know the people who love me love me because I”m an arrogant asshole, not for my looks, you know? I know the man I want in my life appreciates old baddies like myself. I would never hope to perpetuate the vicious cycle of self abuse I put myself through as a woman. And it makes me seem vain, which I am, but I don’t want anybody to know that!

I think I’ve always had issues with my appearance, because it isn’t the ideal in America. If my nose were just a little smaller, you know? I think we’re progressing, but we haven’t come far enough yet. When we’re still celebrating beauty in women by paying them to change their faces and bodies to match an ideal, and women are still getting ahead in life if they’re good looking, we haven’t really done much for women at all. And that’s a tragedy, especially because this same pressure isn’t something men deal with every single day of their lives. They believe they can look like Adam Sandler and still land the office hottie. No crunches necessary. Drink all the beer you want, homie.

I am going to admit that this isn’t just society’s fault. I grew up in an abusive home, and one of the things my abuser often attacked about me was my appearance. I was fat by the time I was nine years old, if I listened to his insults. I see pictures of myself at that age now and realize I was never fat. My cousin recently shared a video clip with me of myself at age 15, and I was so saddened to see how bad my Anorexia was back then. I looked severely ill. I remember counting calories at that age, only allowing myself 500 calories a day. At one point I stopped getting my period, and started having fainting spells.

I can battle my own dark thoughts, and deal with my own wounds, hoping to ultimately heal myself, but the outside world still tells me that being beautiful is so much more important than being happy or healthy. Instagram is full of the most perfect looking creatures, with tiny waists, smooth skin, and assymetrical features, and even though I know a lot of it isn’t even real, or healthy and normal looking, I am still triggered by it.

I am not a Kylie Jenner fan because of this toxic way of portraying one’s self. While true that nobody deserves to be bullied, this is the epitome of what is wrong with the world we live in. This young woman changed her entire body and most of her face to match the beauty ideal set forth for her by her own family. She was underage, and her mother supported this. She makes millions of dollars a year posting photos of herself that basically look nothing like a real human being, or even like her for that matter. She has millions of fans who think she actually no pores, that skin is supposed to look glossy the way it does with that much photo editing.

I feel bad for her though. She never had much of a choice. The most toxic ideals were already there for her to grasp onto and thrive in the shallow lifestyle she was born into, or to remain untouched by and maybe never even be seen by her peers. I can’t imagine what she’s going through trying to live up to the standards her own sisters plastic surgery and face tuning abilities have convinced her are so incredibly important for women to achieve and maintain, no matter the cost. And the expense is real in this family.

I fight a battle every day between giving into my insecurities, and finding a way to save money to have work done on myself (it’s so normalized!), and growing older gracefully. I think what I really want though is to feel beautiful and happy, which I’m not so sure plastic surgery actually inspires in women. Bear with me here, this isn’t plastic surgery shaming. I think what really inspires you to feel beautiful is to share something of yourself with the world that nobody else can. We have millions of Instagram models currently. It’s not hard to find a stunning woman who appears to be flawless.

There are pages after pages of girls pouting and sticking their asses in the air to be admired. What if, and this is crazy, we dug a little deeper? What if the next billionaire we put on the cover of a magazine to be congratulated was one who did something for other people? What if instead of perfecting my appearance, I refused to dim myself down for an average jerk who prefers beauty over brains? What would I do with a dousche like that anyway? Stare at him while he stared at me?

What if we expected more from women in order for them to be successful leaders? What if we refused to change, and all that was left was a new idea of beautiful in women, because of us, inspired by us?

Hmmmmm … there are definitely better ways to spend that tummy tuck money, I think.