Kenzie

The ghost’s are just pouring in this week.

And what the fuck is up with the Earth’s rotation now? Do ya’all feel that bottom of the barrow bullshit exposing it’s self to be, sigh … healed? This energy is the lowest vibrational energy you’ve been clinging to, expelling it’s self, either in physical manifestation (illness, death, etc), or spiritual crisis. I literally was holding onto my bedroom doorway for structure this early a.m. as this energy hit me so much harder than I, well, I wasn’t expecting it. I need to keep up with moon phases and astrological happenings, to avoid this kind of surprise in the future.

It’s so funny that as soon as you choose to stand in spiritual alignment, how many dead people start talking to you again. Hey, guy’s, how’s not being in a body any longer going? I’m just slightly envious, but I always was a pessimist about life.

An uncle passed away this week. He didn’t come through incredibly strong, but stronger than I expected for someone who seemed pretty shy in person. His only real comment was that he immediately felt twenty or thirty years younger. The relief of not being in a body that survives on air in a can, I guess. I told you, I’m envious.

A few weeks back I spoke to a little girl who was murdered by her uncle her in Salt Lake. She actually revealed to me a very interesting perspective, which just goes to remind you that the soul is in charge. And it does know what it’s doing. We need to trust that. She shared with me the fact that had she not chosen (yes, chosen) to exit her life as this child at the age of five, her uncle (who was her murderer), would have gone on to victimize a lot more women and girls before he ultimately took her life at the age of 21. Like, wow. This soul, within this tragedy, chose to save other lives by exiting her life at the tender age of 5 years old.

The most recent afterlife communication has spanned over the course of two days. Mackenzie Lueck was a 23 year old woman who has been making headlines for the last week, due to her suspicious disappearance on June 17th, 2019. I sensed that the person the police were going to be looking for was in the same neighborhood she had last been seen in, and that he had a dark skin tone. I also picked up details that may never be revealed to the public, which are harder (impossible) to confirm my talent. She was drugged, and ultimately murdered.

When I spoke to Kenzie though, it was her sheer beauty in personality that came through the hardest. She literally had the most likeable, lovable, persona. I mean, she was the real deal. One thing she mentioned more than once was that she had so wanted to be a mother. She even asked me what my favorite thing about giving birth was. That seemed to be the loss she was feeling the most as she was preparing (after they found her body, she said she would depart), to leave this Earthbound existence once and for all.

I always ask the deceased this question, “what was your favorite thing about being alive.” Mackenzie’s answer was “sex”. I laughed, of course, but asked her seriously, what had made her the happiest in this lifetime. She said, “the sun, water, being outdoors, holding hands.”

The media has latched onto this case, and with the media comes public scrutiny over the lifestyle Kenzie was living when she died. I have to stand up now and defend her by saying that nobody intends on doing things their five year old self would never dream up. That happens as life unfolds, and we realize again and again, how much we feel alone in this struggle that is life on this Earth at this time. We make decisions that don’t always reflect who we are, and that is a very valid part of living.

It is my hope that the haters can put aside their judgement of this beautiful woman long enough to see her for who she actually was, a perfect replica of a love that God had for us all.

There is no life lived (or lost) in vain. We don’t always understand the bigger picture, but once in a while someone reveals to us a plot twist and we haven no choice but to be humbled.

When Kenzie left, I felt like I was losing a sister. I’m sure a great portion of Salt Lake City is feeling the same this afternoon, as news has been released of her brutal death, and tragic ending to a promising life. May we mourn this loss of one of our own with the deepest felt respect, and the kind of love our savior shows us throughout our harrowing experiences as soul’s who have chosen to take the journey that is life.

Rest in peace, and thank you, as always, for sharing your innermost worlds with me. I have the upmost respect for the lives you lived.

Namaste’

Crumble

It hasn’t felt much like summer around here just yet. I’ve spent most of my time indoors baking. It is a passion of mine, and so for a while it was worth all of the sacrifice. I found a job in a popular cookie joint, and fell in love with the position I was learning (and mastering). From the very beginning though, I’ve experienced a bit of dissatisfaction with the leaders in this particular location. The issues ran deep enough to make me wonder if I could even last through the summer months, like I had planned. It turns out that I wasn’t out of alignment enough to put up with the bad management for longer than just over a month.

That’s the thing about choosing to be self loving, it’s not always the easier (or more lucrative) way to live. I have been feeling very frustrated with myself for not allowing certain things to be a part of my life any longer, as I watch others continue to be apart of things that make me cringe, and wonder if I’m just “too sensitive”. Tonight I broke through that cloud of misery and realized, nah, this is just me trying my best to love myself. Especially since nobody else seems to know how to love me the way I want (and need) to be loved. That, I suppose, is a personal responsibility.

Due to my past with abusive men, the angry outbursts of the main manager, (a male), made me highly uncomfortable. I feel like I’ve allowed this energy into my life for so long, and it remains in my life due to lack of opportunity to be apart from it just yet, I couldn’t see going to work and having to put up with that too. Frankly, it’s very triggering to be around angry men, even when they aren’t stomping their feet and cussing over a cookie order. I had to throw in the towel after the latest foot stomping episode, and realize no amount of money is worth being employed by someone who hasn’t mastered their demons.

Honestly, it breaks my heart that a mother should ever have to be out of the house working for a wage that won’t support their best life anyway. My children spent a great deal of time indoors this summer, playing video games and watching television. Their reward was a mother who was too tired to connect with them, and a box of cookies every shift I worked. And this reality is all to common. A reality where the reward doesn’t even come close to the sacrifices made, not just by a working mother, but by her children.

I’m devastated it came to this, that my summer (transition) job ended before I had intended it to, but as I come out of that man induced coma of living a life that isn’t really right for me, I am proud of myself for always going back to my core. For not carrying enough fear in my heart anymore, to stand by and put up with unhealthy situations.

I find as I strengthen my ties to what matters, and I choose self love again and again, I have no choice but to push people who aren’t respectful of my boundaries, away. In some ways it feels like, due to this self preservation, I may always feel alone. And yet, I really do trust that those slots will be filled by better, because I won’t settle for anything less.

The world constantly asks of us to please others first, and take care of ourselves last. And yet, we have to demand that we come before anything else, so that will be some of us left to care for others.

My level of sensitivity is rising, and I will build a life around self love. Even if it means letting go more often than standing on stable ground, because anything built on a foundation that isn’t based in proper self care, is going to crumble.

My message to those of you, brave enough to journey into the deepest waters of self, is that you can’t know love (the kind worth holding onto forever) until you create it within first. Everything is based off of that self love. Your profession, your friendships, your relationships with family, and the people you fall in love with. And when you meet a mirror who isn’t loving you, you have to admit to yourself, that it is you who hasn’t chosen self love in that moment. If I were you, and you were me, how would you want to be loved?

My journey continues, and I find it funny that in all my time at my little bakery I only encountered one ghost. I find it funnier that it happened to be the grandma of the woman I liked working with least. The only ghost story I have to share from my Crumbl days, is someones grandma stopping by to say grandma shit about how beautiful and sweet her granddaughter was. No reading for you!!

I sorely missed my real life.

Namaste