With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I can’t help but sort of hate everyone even more so than normal. There is such a thing as basically being single for way too long. I’ve had many opportunities to fall in love. I’m a girl. It’s what we do, and what the world asks of us, right?
I’m not your typical romantic, and my glass slippers are bunny slippers. The same bunny slippers practically, that Marlon Wayan’s wears in Don’t Be A Menace. I too am unsure of whether or not to wear my Tec-9 or my Uzi with my footwear. It’s just not an easy question to answer, no matter how many times it comes up.
The problem could be that I’m too picky, but like why? Who the Hell do I think I am exactly? I think people assume that’s an ego trip, but really it’s an innocent attempt to never end up with a broken heart and utterly humiliated again. It just seems hopeless that one would ever actually find a soulmate after all the bullshit I’ve seen.
In an attempt to have you side with me about the horror’s of dating and modern romance, I’ll share (almost) every single interaction I have with men the past six years. I’ll also do it with humor, so that you might laugh at my bad luck as well. Because I’m not really all that fucking sensitive about shit anymore. You broke that in me, world. It’s gone. I no longer have access to giving a solid fuck!
Bitter Beer Face – I should have known when his profile picture was a photo of him holding a beer in one hand and looking sly as the devil himself, that he was nothing more than an overgrown man child. You know the kind that never actually grow up, and scratch themselves in public. That kind.
He offered me a trip to Belize after one too many beers and I graciously accepted, because I was a fucking idiot back then. Still green. Still sure Prince Charming looked like a retired jock who no longer fit into his jersey or jock strap. That shrinks too after awhile, doesn’t it? Needless to say, after my girlfriend yelled at me for being a fucking idiot, and he deleted and blocked me online so his other, young, dumb girlfriend couldn’t see that he was a fucking cheater, it all ended as fact and triumphantly as it had begun. We went down in flames, baby!
Also, I no longer send semi-nudes over the internet.
Corny Jokester – I blush when I remember liking this one. At first his jokes were impish and cute, like a dumb child’s would be. Then something in him changed, like the way gremlins do when you feed them after midnight. I watched helplessly, in full blown disgust as the baited and hooked a naive woman in her very early 20’s. Good thing she ended up being as egotistical and shallow as he was, because then though it was so very fucking gross to see, I didn’t have to feel too bad about his bragging about her bedroom skills online.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Anyway, six months later when it ended dramatically and publicly, it was really hard to stop smiling from ear to ear. Like, really hard.
Old Flame – The Devil himself manifested in this whack job. Apparently his father wasn’t dead after all. I saw his facebook profile and he actually looked pretty damn good for being killed off by the mafia twenty years earlier.
We had written love letters back and forth for a year. I remember swooning over every word at one point in time. It’s amazing how charming people can be, but it’s even more amazing how silly 18 year old women can be. They really do trust ANYBODY. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I’m actually still upset by it. Like, there’s being a shitty person. And then there’s being a potential psychopath who could cover up a murder, no problem.
I guess he still reminds me a little bit of Scott Peterson.
Backyard Bully – This one isn’t really a romance gone wrong, so much as more proof that some men are bad, very, very bad. This idiot used to ride his little tricycle in my backyard, wearing a chunky helmet to protect whatever brains God had generously bestowed upon him. He was capable of taking your hand in your worst moments, and making you feel seen, and then of turning around and locking you in a closet the next. AND! And, call you pathetic as you suffered an anxiety attack because of it.
He still rides his tricycle, only it ends up in “Chumps R US” every now and then. He grew up to be a humanitarian and man does that shit look good on instagram. The reality is so insanely different, as I was rudely awakened to the fact that some people never grow up. Anyway, I don’t follow him anymore. Just seems like bullshit to me now.
I think he tried to have me run down with a truck at a race once too, but maybe I was mistaken because I’m sure no actual sane human being would do that while a woman was pushing a baby stroller, would they?
Lesser Offender’s –
Chicago – When one of the first thing’s you say to me is “you look good!” And then you follow it up with “for being in your 30’s”, it makes me think maybe you really just want to rape babies.
I don’t want to hang out. Hey, aren’t you the ex who used to brag about our sex life to all your friends? God, that was humiliating. Nice muscles, they don’t buy you class. And are nothing in comparison to an actual apology for making me wish I were dead. A thank you for not revealing your name, so that you might still find a woman to “kick it” it with someday?
Summer Fling – At first we had so much fun. He liked to play hot lava and share great conversation about the universe. I didn’t love the actual bragging about how great looking he knew he was, but it wasn’t the worst offense. The worst was basically being compared to a hooker. Why would you send so much shade, and scratch your head over why I want nothing to do with you? My self esteem ain’t that low, you know?
Hey, I think I’ve had this experience one too many times, not at all as nice (or sane) as you seem.
I’m sure the next asshole is waiting just around the corner, so I’m gonna’ cut you now, okay?
Oh god, the list is truly never ending. These have just been some of my worst experiences with the opposite sex, whether romantic or not.
I do not mean to sound bitter, but as you can see, my threshold for abusive and toxic influences in my life, has hit an all time low. And I really don’t want to have to pretend I’m not that fed up, because this is real life.
Thank you for reading. And not judging. Or judging, whatever. I hope somewhere out there is a sane man with a great head on his shoulder’s, who likes women who have reached maturity, as bitter as she may seem. Beneath that crusty exterior is just a woman scared to love again.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
“Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You’re cool! I’m out!”