I’ve talked a little about core wounds. What is a core wound? Well, it’s a seed planted in your psyche as a child. Pretend you are a small child again, what was your parent’s influence like at that time in your life?
My father figures were both alcoholics, who were abusive to their children. I struggle knowing how much of my past I want to write about publicly because my intention is never to hurt anyone who might want to remain true to a different idea of who someone they loved was, someone who has since passed on.
What you do need to know in order to understand my perspective on dating, men, and ever becoming involved with anyone romantically again, is that the very first relationship I ever had with a man was highly abusive, verging on being torturous. This single childhood relationship helped plant the seed of myself being “unlovable”. In the face of abuse, how can a child pretend they matter, they are deserving, they are even really human and worthy of love, respect, and god forbid, something like admiration? If they were, they wouldn’t be enduring the abuse, would they?
It is important what we say to our children, how we talk to them and about them, because with every word we speak, we are potentially planting a seed. Take for example, my mother telling me that butterflies speak Spanish. I believed that until I was about to share that with my son very recently. This is cute and innocent, but the fact that it was planted so deep in my psyche because my mom told me it was true (therefore how could it be untrue?), shows you exactly how easy it is to garden in the minds of your children!
What is the problem with planting a seed, causing a core wound, besides the initial childhood pain and suffering it causes? People usually don’t or won’t dig deep enough to locate the seed and pull it out in adulthood until a catastrophe occurs, such as divorce, or repeated shitty relationships. Maybe even suicide.
We walk through life wondering why we never feel good, why we can’t obtain the simplest of pleasures in our lives, why our relationships all fail.
Simple and loving childhoods leave children who become adults with some heavy stuff to hash out later on in life, if they ever truly want to thrive. Imagine the lives of children of abuse! The abuse never actually ends for many of them. They simply attract the next abuser to them, dressed as someone new.
I’m a bit hardcore when it comes to my life as someone walking a spiritual path. I choose not to chase love, not to date, or even really entertain the idea, because I know my psyche, I know my demons, I know what I attract to me. I don’t know how to change that. I’m pretty sure the day will arrive when I see the product of my hard work, dedicating my life to healing (pretty sad reality, eh?), but for now I am content to save myself the heartache of facing another single demon overpowering me while I’m still just trying to figure out the strength and support of my own broken wings.
I’m choosing to chase my demons off as often as possible. I’m choosing healing over losing myself in another person, one who (my fear) would only serve as a reminder that the boogeyman truly never leaves the psyche of a child of torture. I am hopeful, despite myself, I am.
I wish life were easier for some of us. I wish some of us felt good more often, which is exactly why I’m chasing my dreams. I want to help the abused children who became adults who have spent way too much time being told to shut up about their lives, to be strong, to expect the same things people who have never faced the demons they have, should. Your lives were painful enough before the added pressure of realizing in order to be loved by most of society, you have to be perfect (at least on the outside).
What is love to an abuse victim, but more abuse? You can’t see what isn’t true for you. You can’t ask for something you’ve never had. And you can’t deny the truth that haunts you in your daydreams.
Your life was over before you could talk. Your path wasn’t easy, not even a little bit. You are a tired warrior now, and we see you. We love that about you, because it is going to help heal the planet once you have healed. Remember, as little comfort as it is, there is more than one perspective that is you, hoping for the same relief from the ongoing pain that you do.
You don’t have to be quiet ever again. In fact, it’s helpful when you aren’t so pleasing to the eye, when your healed over wounds are exposed for people to see. It helps them feel less alone, less fucked up, less like this world is against them. There is a way to help others heal.