I once prided myself on being a “Rebel”, but now all I want is NOT to feel that bit of guilt that always accompanies “doing something wrong”. Or out of the ordinary for my sex, age bracket, or mom status. Especially my mom status.
I often second guess myself, and sometimes I actually am shocked by my own antics once all is said and done. “Did I really say/do/write that?!” I know there is a certain way to behave in public, but that’s the thing … THERE ARE AN AWFUL LOT OF RULES IN LIFE!!
I argue with myself a lot on most subjects under the sun. I can’t help but laugh at the fact that I relate more to a 21 year old Britney Spear’s song lyrics than I probably should at my age, even though we’re actually only a year apart in age. It’s sort of embarrassing to be coming out of my shell at the age of thirty three! I keep thinking, “shouldn’t I have done this in my twenties?” I was in fact, too busy nursing babies, and giving my boys all of the experiences I probably craved in my own youth.
I wouldn’t change that, but it’s a little awkward to be embracing my full power as a woman as a mother, and later on in life, when I “should know better.”
I know what song this is, “I’m not a girl! All I need is time, a moment that is mine …”
It’s like one is supposed to cancel out the other, in order for me to be good at either. If I’m to be considered a great mother, I really should stop posting near nude photos of my mom body on Instagram. And if I’m to be a sexual being, I should lose ten more pounds and get a boob job. If at all possible, I should decrease my age by ten years as well.
Honestly, I don’t know how to not feel guilty about being a mom and also wanting to be Alisha. Our society would tell me, “pick one”. I’d always pick motherhood. I have more often than not. It is my highest calling!
But what about Alisha?
What about her feelings? Her needs? Her wants? Her dreams? Her desires? Her fears? Her pains? Her plans? Her hopes?
A lot of people would argue that once you’ve had children it isn’t about you anymore. They are right, but in a world where people actually love themselves, wouldn’t there be time for both? And don’t people thrive when they love themselves? Aren’t happy women, the best mothers?
I think parenting is one of the hardest things we ever do with our lives. And we all agree that it’s also the most rewarding.
The worst that can come of loving yourself and placing value upon your own life as a person too, is that it would teach your children real respect for the parents they sometimes are guilty of thinking revolve around them. If we want to know how we created the last generation of entitled people the world is still moaning about, I just wrote it. We took our own value as full fledged human beings away and placed ourselves at the feet of our own children!
In the words of Britney, “I’m a slave for you …”
If I want to teach my sons to be strong men who love themselves, I must be the woman I fear the most: Me, unedited, imperfect, and a little bit selfish.