Suicidal Tendencies

I spent roughly twenty years feeling suicidal. That’s twenty years out of thirty three. As I mentioned in my last blog I’d never been given the tools to express myself until much later on in life. I surrounded myself with Avoidant type people (people who never deal with anything!) As an Empath and with my abusive past, it all added up, leaving me to carry the burden and look like a “Train Wreck” while doing so.

The truth is not only is Avoidant a type of personality, it’s sort of the society we’ve created at large.

Add into the mix this climb into spiritual evolution where our goal is to emit rays of light from every fiber of our being like Jesus Christ, and you have not only a recipe for suicide, but for global disaster as well.

We are not above life. We are right in the middle of it, the way any god intended for it to be. We wear skin and clothing to mask our naked vulnerability, and we stifle the natural flow of evolution.

This blog will never be a place you can go to feel an instant uplift, and I’ll gladly explain why. When you give somebody a band-aid, they typically walk around and show everybody how cool the band-aid is, sometimes removing it to show the wound beneath the band-aid. We aren’t meant to wear a band-aid on our emotions and occasionally, before we strangle somebody (or worse) remove the band-aid and let people see the truth of our bleeding hearts for one small fraction of a moment in time.

People think when I speak about being with your vulnerability, with your pain, sitting with your depression, that I mean, don’t change it. They are then triggered into becoming defensive about why they shouldn’t give into negativity.

I’m not promoting suicidal tendencies, but I’m not slapping a flimsy band-aid on it either. I also would never recommend medicating yourself for Depression etc. vrs. being with yourself and healing naturally. I know from experience, after a decade of trying every medication out there, that the furthest thing from healing is covering up a gaping wound with something that is only ever meant to hide something displeasing to the eye.

I spent nearly twenty years feeling suicidal, and now after being with that suicidal woman/girl/crying inner child, and comforting her with my full presence, all I want to do is live and live greatly!

I should mention that after losing friends to suicide the last thing I really want to do is shut up about it. I wish they had been convinced to dance in the rain instead. I wish they had chased the ball until God himself reached down and said “come home now, it’s your turn.” I wish they had chosen to figure out how to turn their pain into water, and fill their own cup with enough to drink for a lifetime.

This life is fleeting. Before you know it, it is over. You will never wear this outfit again, be called this name again, birth your children again.

Your calling isn’t to follow in the footsteps of a man nobody could live up to, but to wear your calling with pride, as stupid as it may seem to anybody else.

I’m young(ish), but I’ve truly lived a lifetime. And yet, there is so much more I hope to get to do while I’m here. I think, because I’m writing authentically, I may as well just tell you that I think this is my last life in human form. That makes this journey all that more important to finish.

I hope when you need someone you know that I’m here, that this blog will always be a place you go to be not shamed, but to be loved as you are, at your worst. To find understanding and connection. To know you’re not alone in the world, as crazy as you may feel sometimes.

You must have wanted a mirror badly enough that I chose to write my life online, and share my personal stories with you all.

And I needed it too.




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